We are all choosing at every moment. Every leader that ever showed you the way is learning deeper ways to say NO to that which does not hold their heart.
The piece below is a page taken out of my personal journal, dated 3.1.22.
I have the honour of supporting massive shifts and breakthroughs in my clients’ lives every day, but for a very, very long time, behind the veil, there was a tortured workaholic fighting to get her nose to come up for air. I share this because if you lean in and listen, everything that is showing up in your current reality is an invitation for you to go deeper into your freedom. Please don’t let anybody convince you that they have ever “arrived”.
I CHOSE
I chose to stop. All of it.
The madness. The intensity. The insanity.
The obsessive running, the obsessive giving.
The borrowing, the poor impulsive investments.
The jumping at anything that remotely resembled a money-making strategy.
The investing in coaches who are clearly not aligned with me.
The panicked, hand-to-mouth living.
The rushed, panicked decision-making.
The stressed, pressured creating.
Pumping out content on social media the way an aggressive coach would.
Pummelling my body, pushing myself far beyond my ability to endure.
I chose to stop blindly swatting at anything and everything that looked like it could “fix me.”
I chose to stop underselling myself, over-giving my time, my energy, my oxygen,
my brainpower, my brilliance, my wisdom, my love, my expertise.
I chose to stop low-balling myself, to stop the frantic, frenetic pace, leaving behind
a massive trail of unfinished things.
I chose to stop striving, fighting, and building everything alone.
I have chosen to stop putting anything into my now—into my body, my day, my business—
that doesn’t carry the frequency of my future.
I chose. I am choosing every day. And it is bitterly expensive.
I am blind to the guiding light within me when I am caught in this panicked, frantic state.
I am missing crucial information and overlooking the most important cues — from my heart, about my life, the very reason I am here.
Tonight, I finally chose to relieve money of its lifelong role as the gatekeeper to the rewarding,
passionately fulfilling life that I know I am meant to live. I chose to impeach money as the governor of my worth,
the unlocker of the love, respect, creativity, and space I deserve by birthright.
I didn’t even realise that I had given it that power.
I chose to see the illusion for what it is and allowed it to dissolve before my eyes.
I chose to stop bargaining with money, being a slave to it, begging it, trading with it to give
me what I thought I needed:
– Miraculously Healed Parents…
– Emotional Support…
– Safety…
– The physical sensation of being held
– Access to my power, my voice…
I chose to stop diminishing the multidimensional impact of my other creative talents and gifts
– stop promising myself that once I make money, then I’ll create.
THEN I’ll sing. THEN I’ll write. I’ll show up as my abundantly vibrant, wholehearted self.
But first, I am obligated by some sinister, unknown force to sacrifice myself into complete exhaustion.
It’s a trick and a trap.
That instagram advertisement that promises you 10k by Friday…
It’s a hook…
to get you to disconnect from the light within you
that already knows the way.
I don’t know what speeding freight train hit me today, but I finally chose to rewrite my story,
despite the narrative embedded in my DNA.
I don’t know how I’ll pay my rent. But I’m done fighting.
I don’t know how long it will take me to swing this needle away from suffering
but I’ll die intending to fully hold and embody my truth.